She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
