I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
