walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
