wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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