So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
