I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
