seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
