if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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