I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
