i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize