Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
