like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Welp...herpes.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
