You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
