My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
