"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
