my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I've blown a few things in my day
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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