How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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