A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
