Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Let's get the cat blown out
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
