Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
