A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
