I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
And then my night got REAL pukey
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
