Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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