dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
