I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
