im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize