Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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