Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
