are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I pour the whiskey from now on
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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