So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
