Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
