I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
