I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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