get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
