Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
