Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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