I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
