if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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