My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
