my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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