I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Brb crying the tears of my youth
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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