I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
