theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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