can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Your dad touched me again.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
