Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
