My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
