woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
