all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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