Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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