How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
