Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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