i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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