i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
