I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
she told me i tasted like america
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I need water and some morals
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
